Dear Friend:

It’s strange, the things that change your perspective; the things that change your life. Whether it’s because it changes something that’s always been, or because it opens a world of possibilities, opens a brand new future that you never would’ve thought was possible, one sentence can change everything. I’ve heard two very different sentences today, both of which have marked me indelibly.

“It’s over.” From one of my best friends, about the relationship she’s been in for the last 2 1/2 years — pretty much the whole time I’ve known her; honestly, I don’t think any of us ever thought that would end. It was kind of the relationship we all looked up to; I know it was my “role model” for the long-distance relationship I’m in. 

“It’s a girl.” From my girlfriend, about the baby I learned she was pregnant with last week (by her ex-boyfriend, obviously not by me). It took me a little bit to fully accept the idea that she’s pregnant, but I love this girl with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her; I got to see pictures of her ultrasound this morning (she lives in Romania, and I live in the US, so I couldn’t be with her today like I wanted to), and I’m already half in love with her unborn daughter, Aria Rhay. This just makes me even more determined to be the best girlfriend/spouse/parent that I possibly can. 

Dear Friend:

I started this as a place to be able to tell people who I am as a person without surrendering my identity, as well as a place that I can say what I’m thinking and feeling without causing a flurry of concern or anger. I needed a place to be myself without worrying about disappointing someone from church, or getting my best friend into trouble. I say best friend; I suppose a more accurate description would be my brother’s girlfriend, at least for the purposes of this particular dissertation: I’m more likely to get her into trouble in that capacity.

But, despite the (sometimes crippling) amount of emotional upheaval that generally constitutes my life, I haven’t done much with this account. So, I’m starting now. Anyone who is familiar with Stephen Chbosky’s excellent epistolary novel, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, will feel perfectly at home reading this blog; everyone else…you may simply think I’m very strange. However, you should definitely read the book.

I’m hoping that you, my audience (regardless of whether you actually exist beyond the bounds of my flawed imagination; I’m hoping that somewhere out there, someone will read this, but if you don’t then that’s okay, too. I know how to pretend), will hold me accountable for the promises and mistakes that I make. I’ve been making the promises solely to myself for a long time now, and I’ve realized that the only way to keep them unbroken is to make them to someone else. 

Maybe no one will ever read this. But I will have written it, and that will be enough. It will be a place to put things in order. To talk things through with myself and set down semi-permanently what I work out. Maybe someone else is living the same thing, and this can be a help to them. Maybe they can be a help to me. Maybe I’m fooling myself. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that there will be a record. There will be something to look back on, to see how much changes over time. There will be something left to stand, to give testimony to our mistakes. 

“I will call people by different names or generic names” to protect our facade of innocence. And thank you. For reading this, yes. But, mostly, just for being you.

Love always,

Eran